In My Brain Today: I hate my kid…apparently

By Leslie Lindsay

It ain’t easy raising kids (or being green).  And just this morning I was reminded why: apparently I hate my daughter.  Yep.  It’s been coming out lately–the snarkiness and sassy-ness–and this isn’t the first time she she shouted, “You HATE me!”  Nope.  I have heard it before.  She’s only six and so I worry what her teenage years will be like.  I think she should have a hormone-ectomy right now before it gets too unbearable.

It hit me hard this morning when she declared my detest for her.  Because, really truth-be-told, I really did feel some visceral hatread towards by first-born.  So, I cringed and felt a deep plumeting deep down in the pit of my stomach.  Yes, I hated the fact that I had to deal with a child with ADHD at 8 in the morning.  Yes, I hated that I yelled and wiped the dog slobber off her face a little too forcefully.  Yes, I hated the way she looked at me and stalked off to her hiding place (the basement stairs).  Yes, I loved the fact that she was going to school today.  Yes, I hated the fact that her district is operating on an early dismissal day so teachers can prepare for 1st quarter conferences.  And I sort of kind of jate the fact that I don’t feel like spending any special 1:1 time with her.  But I know she needs it.  I know we both need it.

You see, my daughter is adorable.  She is bright and creative.  She is smart.  She has a ton of energy.  She’s a lot like me.  But different.  She has ADHD.  I don’t really know how this happened.  I don’t have ADHD.  My husband…well, the jury is still out.  But he jokes he has “hypoactive disorder.”  So, who knows where the heck this came from?!  I sure as heck don’t.  Not that I want to take any of those aforementioned qualities away from her, I just want to learn how to deal with them.  In fact, it’s rot really any of those qualities that drive me bonkers, it’s the combination of.  For example, creativity + energy + intelligence = a very mischevious child.  She is clever; crafty like a fox which sometimes gets her into trouble.  Mega-trouble.  And then we factor in all of those specific-to-ADHD symptoms: impulsivity, quirkiness, lack of follow-thru, distractiability, fidgeting…and then the apraxia characteristics: strange strings of words, sounds, and phrases and sometimes the inability to find the “right” word.  It leads to a frustrated and mis-understood child.  And an equally frustrated mom.

So, here’s my plan:  I won’t hate her.  I will find time to hang out with her.  (even though I am not so sure I can muster the strength and energy).  I already found that the new movie, “Puss in Boots” is playing tomorrow at the same time her little sister is in preschool.  I think we’ll go.  Maybe some popcorn and the silver screen will make her not hate me.  And for me to like the child I love.